Dear Castiel
by Mockingfire
Summary: with everything going on Dean has no one he can talk to, so he decides to try keeping a journal, it seemed to help his Dad think things through. But when he tries, he cant get the words down, so he decides to write it a letter instead... (rubbish summary, sorry) WARNING: SPOILERS! (following season 9) DON'T READ IF YOU'RE NOT WATCHING SEASON 9!
1. Letter 1

**Hey guys :D long story short, this was going to be a one shot, but I've decided to write a chapter for each episode, because a lot has happened so far and it's only episode 5 and i haven't even got through the first episode in this chapter! **

**I was going to write a Castiel one but i read someone else's and i loved it and couldn't do it as much justice as they did, if you're interested it's called **_Prayin__g_**_ by sofia-sama_ **

**I rewrote this chapter so many times, and I ended up writing it like this a bit like journal entries, it started as just Dean's thoughts but then I thought it'd be cute if he was talking to Cas in a letter, all the things he doesn't say out loud.**

**anyways here you go, hope you like it!**

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Dear...forget it, I'm not doing that crap.

Usually I wouldn't write anything down at all, I'm not the teenage girl, 'dear diary' type, that's Sam, he's the letters guy. I'm...I'm the brawn, he's the brains, I'm not good at making decisions, I follow orders, I'm a good soldier, but at the moment it's just me. I've gotta talk to someone or I'll lose it, problem is there's no one I can talk to.

Cas, I don't know where you are, I'm lost man, I need you.  
Dad always said, writing his journal helped him think things through, get his head straight and I don't know if it'll help me, I'm not like him, no matter how hard I wish I could be, he always had this...clinical way of looking at situations, he somehow managed to keep his emotions from interfering with what had to be done, unless it was us. So maybe we weren't so different after all.  
Anyway, I have to try something. I feel stupid writing to a book though, so I thought I'd write to you, even through you'll never read this.

Don't expect any detailed essays, I'm just going to write as I think, if I pretend I'm saying it to you, then it seems easier, it's always easier to talk to you. Anyway here goes.

Sammy's sick Cas, he's really sick. It was the trials. I thought he'd be okay if he stopped but apparently that wasn't good enough, he passed out on me and the doctors say they can't do anything to help him.

I can't lose him, I can't. The first thing I thought of, was you.  
I tried praying, but no reply. Nothing.  
I know you, even if you thought I was mad at you, you'd come and help if you could. So something must have happened to you, and now I'm afraid for both of you.  
I don't even know if you're alive.  
You might be hurt, trapped, and you need my help and here I am in a hospital writing you a letter.  
It kills me to not be out looking for you, but I have to help Sam.

A part of me wants to leave Sam and find you, but what happens if you're...dead? It'll be too late for me to do anything for Sam, and I couldn't do anything to help you either and then you'd both be gone.  
Sam, he's still here, for now, and as long as he's breathing, there's hope. I'm going to find a way to save him, somehow, I will. And then, we're coming to help you. I swear it Cas. I hope you don't think I've forgotten about you, you're my brother too, blood, it's not all there is, and I wish I'd told you this earlier

I'm sorry Cas. I beg you Cas, please be okay, I can't lose you. You, Sam, Kevin, Charlie. You're all I have left.

I've asked the others for help. The other angels. When you didn't reply, I...I snapped, I was desperate, I didn't know what else to do. It was a dumb idea.  
I've heard nothing from upstairs though, so maybe angel radio isn't working with all you guys grounded.  
But now I'm almost out of options. I don't have time to wait for a miracle.

Crowley, he's my last shot. It's worth a try, right? might as well get some good out of having him tied up in my trunk.

Cas, I wish you were here. I have so much I need to say to you. I need to say sorry, I didn't mean those things I said, and whatever's happened, whatever you've done, or haven't done, we'll figure it out. Together. I just hope I get the chance to tell you. I hope I'm not too late.

Dean

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**okay, I'd just like to say that this is my take on Dean, if you don't agree with the way I've written it, don't read on or even better, 'Constructive' Criticism is always appreciated :) thanks**

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**next chapter'll be up soon! (maybe even later today) ****I'll**** be updating at least once a week, (every time there;s a new episode) and I'll hopefully have caught the chapters up before Tuesdays episode!**

**favourite/follow/review if you liked it :)**

**xx**


	2. Letter 2

_**first things first, a HUGE thank you to everyone who reviewed, favourited, followed the last chapter! the response was amazing :D (no pressure on me now :P) **_

_**I can honestly say I have no idea where this story's going to go, it depends on the Spn writers decide to do next :)**_

_**here's Dean's second letter, it's linked to the second part of the first episode :)**_

_**xx**_

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Cas,

Thank God you called. You're alright! Well, you're human, so alright mightn't be the best description, but you're alive at least, and that's what matters. At least I know why you didn't answer my prayers.  
I'm still worried though, you, alone, having to deal with people? seriously, 'rusty' people skills is an underestimate when it comes to you. I think that worries me more than the idea of you being hurt. Especially with the angels pissed at you, I hope to Hell you listen to me and get your ass to the bunker as soon as you can.

A lot's happened since I wrote earlier. Everything just sorta came at once.  
I suppose it's always like that with us though, I wonder if normal people have it this bad...

I said earlier, that Crowley was my last option, turns out that's not what happened.  
I went to get the SoB and an angel jumped me. I'd be a stiff right now if Zeke (Ezekiel's a bit of a mouthful don't you think?) hadn't got there when he did, it's a long story but basically, he heard my prayer and said he would try and help.

He couldn't help him though, Cas, he couldn't save Sammy He said it was too late unless...he said he might be able to fix him from the inside.

I hated the idea, Hell, I still hate it, but I didn't have another choice. Sammy was practically having afternoon tea with Death, Sam made him promise that he would stay dead this time. No coming back, no demon deals, Nada.

So I didn't have another option. I let Sammy be possessed. He's going to hate me for it, but better he's alive to hate me, right?

Hell, who am I kidding, I should have let him go, but I can't. I told him once before that I couldn't do it alone, but like I told him, the truth is, I don't want to. I'm a selfish bastard, and I hate myself for it, because even now, I can't let Sammy choose what he wants to do, because I'm too damn selfish to let him go.  
I wonder what you'd think if you know what was going on.  
You know about Zeke at least, well vaguely anyway, you said he's a decent enough guy, I just hope you're right about this one.

I don't like the sound of this Hael girl tagging along with you though, she sounds like trouble to me, I hope you've got the sense to drop her first chance you get, I'm not saying I don't trust your judgement, you just can't risk making a mistake, it could get you killed.

I hope you remember to eat something too, it's not something you've had to think about before, you can't protect yourself now either, you're vulnerable and the idea of you having to deal with human stuff on top of dodging angels...I'm worried about you man, just get here least then I'll know you're safe, and I can watch your back for you while you get to grips with being human and all.

You have some serious explaining to do when you get here mind, but to be honest I don't care about any of it, screw the angels, I don't give a damn. I just want to talk to you, hear your voice, know you're okay.

I just wish I could tell you all this, about Sam and Zeke and everything, but I can't risk you letting something slip, Zeke said if Sam knows he's there, he could kick him out before he's healed, and then he'd die.

I can't risk that Cas, I just hope one day he'll forgive me. And you, I have so much to apologise for, I can't stop thinking about it, I was a jerk and I'm sorry, I don't know what I'd do if never had the chance to tell you.

I just want my family back together, safe.  
That's what we are; you, Sam, me, we're family -a really dysfunctional one, I'll grant you- but family all the same. And we're stronger together. We'll get through this, together, no matter what.

Dean

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_**A bit rambly I know, sorry, but it is supposed to be Dean writing so I've literally been writing as I think (it's made it easier to write so I should be able to keep up with the episodes (if should have caught the chapters up by next week at least :) i'll try! )**_

_**anyways review/follow/favourite if you like it so far :)**_

_**thanks for reading!**_

_**xx**_


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